Mr.M's Guide To Living In A Post-Apocalyptic World

I've been hearing a lot about a certain magnitude 8 earthquake that will supposedly hit Manila on the 18th of July, 2008.

Now, I can't really help out with preparing for such a disaster, mainly because in the movies, any and all preparations are either insufficient or negligible, almost always due to lack of information, arrogant politicians, or the main protagonist's inability to reach the broadcast tower on time (because he had sex with the lead female and/or he is hindered by a doomsday cult obsessed with the apocalypse. Or both.)

We're supposed to be saving the world right now...

I know that the prediction says that it will only hit Manila, but let's prepare for the worst.
Most likely when this earthquake hits, the international community is bound to send out a couple of relief efforts, and I'm sure the government will like, I dunno, hand out candy bars or some shit.
You'll be fine.

No, what I'M going to discuss is a GLOBAL EARTH SHATTERING DISASTER OF CATASTROPHIC PROPORTIONS. (cue in epic music.) [add an echo to your voice for effect]

Global Earth Shattering Disaster

What I might be able to help with is surviving the post-apocalyptic world that you know inhabit.
I speak with proper authority because I have read and seen countless post-apocalyptic fiction and movies. I am well versed in over 10 different scenarios, ranging from a Vampire/Zombie Take-over, to a Humanity Wiping Plague, to a Nuclear Armageddon, to a Meteor Impact. Heck, throw in the Final Judgment while you're at it.
Oh yeah. I read the bible too. I can survive that.

Pfft. This doesn't scare me. I'm prepared for that.

So! On with the guide!


Mr.M's Guide To Living In A Post-Apocalyptic World! (Earthquake Scenario)

A 100-year old prediction of an Earth shattering earthquake has been ignored. The prophet who made the prediction is now dead, and the world's governments have turned a deaf ear to all your warnings.

EARTHQUAKE?! OMG NO WAI! LOLZ!

Suddenly, a massive quake hits all the continents at the same time (just for the sake of argument). We see a montage of disasters happening, from a shopping mall being torn asunder, to a preschool being swallowed up by the earth.

Picture this, only with school children and old people.

You somehow survive because, being forewarned, you were in a gigantic dirigible, built by the prophet who wasn't actually dead, he was just working as a transvestite midget hooker to evade the same doomsday cult who prevented you from warning the rest of the people. (Why he's a transvestite midget hooker, I don't know. Just use your imagination.)

As you float down to the now-ruined cities, you find yourself alone, and destitute. Your leading lady is shocked into suicide, the prophet fell out of your balloon when you were landing so he's now nothing more than a red puddle on the ground, and your trusty side-kick has died of a massive heart-attack (again, just for the sake of argument.).

Congratulations! You have reached the end of the world!

Oh...Shit.

But don't pat yourself on the back just yet! Surviving an earth-shattering catastrophe is one thing, but the true challenge is living out the rest of your natural born life.
The world-ending earthquake managed to wipe out 95% of the entire human population.
This may seem a large number, but take into account that there are over 8 BILLION people in the world.
What's 5% of that? I honestly do not know. That's more math than I can handle.
You must now survive
Do YOU know what to do?

No. No you don't know what to do. That's why you're reading this.

Step 1: Establish a home base.

First, look for a decent place to crash, preferably one that is both comfortable and easily defensible.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Remember, no one is running the power stations, and high-rise apartments are out of the question, seeing as most of them would have toppled over by now.
There should be many hiding places available by now, mostly created by office buildings lying on their sides.

One of these buildings can be YOUR new home!

But be careful! The ground could be treacherous and aftershocks are to be expected.

Worry, Shit like this WILL happen.

Step 2: Stock up on supplies.

Food and water naturally become a priority. Canned foods, dehydrated meals and the like will be your best friend in this dark and power-less world. A butane gas stove and some camping gear would also be essential.

You know why people in the movies have a hard time?

Because they didn't have shit like this.

Medical supplies come next. I'm no doctor but hey, neither are you! Stock up on anti-biotics, the stronger, the better. Some needle and thread to sew up any wounds, Hydrogen Peroxide and rubbing alcohol to stave off infection. Maybe some soap as well. Just because no one is around, doesn’t mean you gotta abandon personal hygiene.

Step 3: Educate yourself.

Next, I suggest gathering up a lot of How-To books. You can find them in any abandoned bookstore.

Get books on stuff like, How To Wire Electronics, just in case you find a working generator(and you will find one), some medical books on How To Clean Wounds would also be in your best interest.

How-To Books. You get the idea.

Step 4: Clothing.

Clothing will also become an issue. If you live in a tropical country, chances are you wont need much, save for the occasional raincoat when monsoon season rolls around.

But if you're living in more temperate climates, going out and getting winter wear is a very good idea. Some heavy overcoats, maybe some gloves to stave off the harsh cold. Oh and, get a pair of welder's goggles. Those things look cool when matched with a torn up trench coat and a rifle slung over your shoulder.

Kinda like this, only with goggles. Goggles are cool. Trust me.

Speaking of rifles...

Step 5: Guns and Ammo. (Maybe even some knives)

Just because the earthquake wiped out most of human civilization doesn't mean that other people won't be after your shit.

Stock up on pistols, and shotguns for home defense, rifles and automatics for scouting trips.

Grenades are unnecessary and dangerous.

You can find these, and other weapons in abandoned gun shops or, if available, ruined military bases. Pilfer the corpses of dead soldiers and security guards.

However, if the world decides to swallow up guns and some such, go low-tech and fashion yourself a knife. It's easy just pick up some rebar, and, like, make it pointy or whatever.

Either one of these would be awesome.

Step 6: Mobility

No man is an island, and soon you'll need to get out there and look for other survivors.

This is a tricky step. Since the earthquake has wiped out nearly all of Man's infrastructure, you will be hard-pressed to find gasoline. I suggest going to nearby wrecked petrol stations and gathering up any and all petrol. Hey, don't worry about it, it's free!

Vehicle of choice: Run back to the ruined military base mentioned in step 4, and, why not, grab yourself a tank. It's sturdy, and it can go over almost any kind of terrain. Better than that, grab a helicopter. It gives you a greater range of mobility and sight. The only drawback is that you'd need to know how to fly a helicopter in the first place.

I'd suggest tanks. They're much cooler, and easier to drive.

I mean, with the tank, It's just like driving a car. Have you never played those tank battle games in arcades?

Yeah, it's just like this!

Step 7: Re-establishing society.

By now, you should have gathered AT LEAST 5-600 people.

5-600 people. Give or take.

Your home base has become a miniature city, and you managed to gather a very eclectic group of survivors. On staff are doctors, farmers, engineers, technicians, etc.. It is at this time that re organizing the structure of society becomes your choice. Most people would go for a more democratic, Utopian society, where everyone gets a say.

But remember this: If everyone gets a say, nothing will ever get done.

I, for one, would go with a despotic, albeit benevolent, rule. I know what's best for everyone, so you can all just shut the fuck up and listen to me. That way, everything gets done right.

At this point, you usually ascend to the highest position of power in your mini-city, atop the shoulders of a thankful crowd. In the sky are the super imposed images of your dead loved ones, smiling down on you, and nodding with approval.

It should look something like this. And if you're not the one wearing a crown, then you have FAILED.

Perhaps your dead girlfriend would say that it is time for you to move on, at which point you then notice a stunning doctor-girl in the crowd giving you the eyes. You may now use your imagination as to what happens next.

There should ALWAYS be a sexy doctor in the crowd. If there isn't one, then you have FAILED.

-The End-

I hope this guide will help you in your time of need. It's only a day away, and you may not have access to the internet when it comes.

I suggest printing this out, and keeping it under your pillow while you sleep, so the knowledge may seep into your head while you slumber.

This is Mr.M saying, I am not responsible for any and all accidents and/or deaths that may result from the rote following of this guide.

Cheers :D